The Things I Carry, Part 3
I wonder why the phrase is I suffer
When it really should be I live
I have to learn to be okay with being a little broken
I have to take my time to heal and know my heart will never be the same.
We are meant to survive what we are given
So I say I live and not I suffer
Because to live with it means it is part of me
But I am part of it
I’ll go back and forth and sit with it
That’s all this is, it’s life
I will learn to love it
How Are You
Asking how are you is my least favorite question,
I’m supposed to say I’m well, how are you,
But lately I am not sure how to begin
I want to say I feel joyous,
Or today was the worst Monday of my existence,
Be honest with the world because how I am is more of a story than a sentence,
I am a poem in the midst of being written and read, all at once –
How are you?
DOMS on a Monday Morning
Today I remember my muscles hurt after I play softball
It feels good and my body moves today differently, stronger
I am so often told to wear makeup, to keep my hair shorter, avoid pants that hug my hips and invite the hey baby on the street into my cubicle,
Today I feel the power in my limbs, know my body is meant to shag flies, swing even and straight, move me through my life, a vessel for my soul to grow.
Today I remember to choose to see what I can do over what I look like.
It feels strong.
My mother says, “you sound happier on the phone than I’ve heard you in a long time,”
So I start to write a poem about joy,
But I falter,
Because happiness is best served in small words and in sunny days,
In coming home dirty and going to sleep content,
In cups of tea, in chocolate covered almonds,
In plans for the future and in the plants that line my windowsill, always stretching toward the light –
Today I am better than okay, and that is all right.
It’s hard to write poems when I am angry
My limbs feel explosive and energy courses through my veins,
My heart beats and I try to lean into it,
Relax my hands when they don’t want to stay still enough for me to hold a pen.
I am always in awe of how my body holds my feelings.